Existential crises. Fuuuck.

No, it's not me who's having one, it's my friend in another country. I just talked him through one over IM and he's feeling better now.

He reassured me that he would never act on it, that he was just feeling depressive, and I believe him. It got me thinking, though.

I hate when that little voice in my head decides to play devil's advocate...but it's challenged me to a debate and I don't really 'do' backing down. Lol.


The thing is...emotionally, I disagree with suicide as loud as the next person. I feel it's a mistake, though an understandable one that deserves compassion rather than disapproval, and whatever forces caused you to be  so broken you  chose to die just to feel better, you should be fighting back, not letting the motherfuckers win.


But rationally... Yowww. Mindfuck.


When I kept telling my friend that the world wasn't  pointless, that there were things to live for, he just kept asking 'why?' And it's a fair point, as much as it rattles the fuck out of me. I think I understand a little of why people get depressed, though I don't suffer from it myself. For many people, life is a loop. You eat, work, sleep, and shit so you can continue to eat, work, sleep, and shit. And you are supposed to find that rewarding, and go through with it every day of your life for its own sake?


My answer to that feeling is to blast some death metal, eat a lot of sugar, and have fun. Other people are more heavily affected.


I guess what bothered me was that I couldn't find a reason why suicide was a mistake and life was the right choice *other* than the ones that were based purely on emotion. Not reason. 


I couldn't find a reason why hitting the off switch when that loop becomes too much is a mistake other than 'NOOOOO! Don't do it!'


Because there isn't a 'why', ultimately. You want to stay alive because there's shit you want to achieve? You want to write a novel, or study computer science? Those are  just human wants, not objective reasons why staying alive is right. 


I don't like it. I'd like to think there's a solid, logical reason why being alive is always the right choice. I can't find one.


If I think of one,  I'll share on here. If anyone else thinks of one, let me know. In the meantime, round one is over with that challenging voice in my head, and I'll go back to listening to Visceral Bleeding at max volume and refuse to think about it.